Wrong
by lily22
Summary: Because it's wrong for a man to love a man. And that's the end of it. [Hamel Perspective; slash: Ha/Rai; excessive angsting]


Warning: Non-canon pairing, slash (boy loving a boy), and religious stuff that doesn't really fit in the VoH setting.  
  
The rain.  
  
Oh, how I've always hated the rain. Rain is bad for my violin strings, and thus always manages to render me helpless. Note to self: When it rains, seek shelter.  
  
Of course, on this tragic day, the sky decided that no rain was possible.  
  
As if mocking me, the day is gorgeously clear. In fact, this is just the kind of day that makes me feel like walking outside and playing a vibrant tune to celebrate life. "Song of Spring" by Mendelssohn, maybe?  
  
Why couldn't it rain today?  
  
Rai-chan (no, Raiel! He's Raiel, not Rai-chan anymore) walks over to me, taking agonizingly slow steps as if he doesn't ever intend to reach me.  
  
Don't ever reach me, Rai-chan, Raiel, whoever you are. Please, stay there.  
  
But of course, he finally manages to reach my spot, sitting at the base of our tree, even with that enormous piano strapped to his back like a snail's shell. He's amazingly strong, if he can carry that thing. "Ha-chan," he says, smiling tentatively, as if asking for my permission.  
  
Though Rai-- Raiel is so strong, and I much weaker (at least in this state, I don't even want to think about mazoku state), I have-- had always been the dominant one.  
  
I frown.  
  
Instantly, the smile drops off his face, and he lowers his head. "Ha-chan, you can't be serious...?"  
  
My hair falls into my face as I shake my head, but falls back in place with a second shake. "This can't go on. Raiel."  
  
He recoils, as if I'd slapped him. That's just what his name is, a slap, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, that's what I'd meant it to be. "Ha- chan..." My eyes are cold. He sinks to his knees and grasps my hands. I shrug him off. "Ha- Hamel..." His eyes fill with tears. "Why, Hamel?"  
  
"My mother."  
  
"Pandora would never tell you to..." His voice loses strength, and he trails off, eyes silently pleading me to reconsider.  
  
"Mother is-- _We_ are Christians. We believe it wrong for a man to love another man that way."  
  
Raiel seems desperate, and I long to reach over and brush away his tears, hold him close, and whisper reassurances. I don't.  
  
"Surely she doesn't believe that something as petty as gender might stand in the way of true love?"  
  
"This isn't true love!" I snap, standing up. "Maybe if I ever find her again, I'll ask her, but this isn't real! Two men cannot love, and you know it!"  
  
"Ha-chan..."  
  
"AND DON'T CALL ME HA-CHAN! We're not children anymore, Raiel, so stop behaving like you are still six years old!"  
  
~~  
  
It was too difficult trying to stay away from Raiel with all those memories lingering. Raiel was beautiful and sweet, but most importantly, he was my best friend... We were so close, we shared everything with each other, and suddenly, I couldn't allow myself any chance of seeing Raiel. I left.  
  
I got myself a girlfriend. (I know I sound like an arrogant bastard to say "I got myself a girlfriend", and I guess I am one.) Her name is Flute, and she seemed the perfect choice. How could I fail keeping my and my mother's religion sacred while dating a girl who perpetually wore a cross, and usually whacked me with one whenever I was being rude (which was often)? She was kind, like Raiel, and like Raiel, she was also pretty, though in a different way. But that doesn't mean that she can compare to my best friend.  
  
She could never compare.  
  
And it's times like these when I find myself thinking of Raiel, whom I secretly call Rai-chan, only in my mind. I think of his gorgeous hair and his gentle hands and his warm, friendly smile. I think of his personality most of all. I think of his loyalty, even through my near awakenings; I think of his kindness, even when I hurt him time and time again.  
  
I hurt him a lot. Even I don't know why. But he knows-- thinks! He thinks that I love him, and that is enough to earn his forgiveness. So selfless.....  
  
And as I ponder, I'm amused, in a dark sort of way, that today's another beautiful day. Flute is gone, but I don't bother to look for her. She'll be back all too soon, and it'll be back to pretending that it's her I want when really...  
  
Really, it is her. What was I thinking?  
  
A rustle in the bushes alerts me of... a bear. I whip out my violin and begin playing, but... A shriek sounds, and Flute enters my line of vision, running wildly from yet another bear. Perhaps the two bears are mates? "Flute!" I yell, and suddenly it's not Flute running, it's Raiel. Raiel, while strong, can't stand up to a bear, and doesn't have time to set up his piano... "Don't worry, love!" I aim the music at the second bear, a sleepy sort of piece which puts it in a quick trance.  
  
I only hear a growl behind me before the first bear attacks. Claws dig through my shoulder like a knife through butter, and I fall, the violin landing with a clunk.  
  
"HAMEL!" Flute screams, but I don't hear her. I hear Raiel.  
  
"I love you," I whisper when I sense a presence above me. "I always have..."  
  
Just before I slip away, I realize my delusion. It's Flute, not Raiel. Why would Raiel come near me with a ten-foot pole?  
  
Flute weeps for me.  
  
~~  
  
It's dark. Very dark.  
  
A pinpoint of light shines in the distance, and I look up. The light grows both in size and brilliance, and soon I have to shield my eyes. But before I do, I can see that it's a person, garbed in pure white robes.  
  
"Before you move on to death," the person says, voice muffled. "You may ask one final question."  
  
Without hesitation, I look back up. His hood is muffling his voice. "Was I right?" Years of desperation and loneliness pour out of me with those three simple words, and the robed figure doesn't have to ask me what I meant.  
  
"No," he whispers sorrowfully, shaking his head. Blond curls peek out from the hood, and his voice... How many times have I heard that voice? "Ha- chan, you were so wrong..."  
  
"Rai-chan!" His childhood nickname sounds alien on my tongue. He shakes his head again. "Rai-chan, no, please! Don't leave!"  
  
"I must." He wipes the tears from his eyes, and the stain disappears instantly from his sleeve. "I must. Farewell, Ha-chan."  
  
He doesn't call me 'Hamel'. Even now, he's forgiven me the decision that wrecked both of our lives.  
  
"Rai-chan! I'm... I'm sorry! Please..." I grasp his sleeve.  
  
He turns, looking vaguely surprised, and leans in close to me, brushing his lips against mine for the last time. "I'm sorry too, Ha-chan, but what's done is done. Your time has come." 


End file.
